Although generally through circumstance, in recent times, we are starting to see single parenthood come about through choice; however, whatever the case may be, the challenges that go with it are not too dissimilar.

Even when single parenthood is by choice, such as adopting a child as a single person or getting impregnated by a donor with the intention to raise your child alone, there are many things to take into account for the journey ahead. One might say those who choose single parenthood from the outset are at somewhat of an advantage, because they are at liberty to make sole decision over their child/ren as it has not been sprung on them. That said, death and divorce are the two most common reasons for those raising children alone, and it is a tough world to navigate after either one of these life-changing experiences has occurred.

The three main areas that hit single parent families hard are: A lack of finances, time spent with children and child rearing concerns. It’s worth mentioning another, cultural perceptions of single parents and children who come from single parent families.

As a single parent, the journey can be a lonely and tiring one. No other adult under that same roof to share the mundane, day-to-day concerns and discuss any issues with, or to help with housework. The task of being a single parent can be daunting as it can be overwhelming, and that sense of overwhelm can introduce you to a plethora of issues. We don’t talk about it enough in the context of single parenthood, but this is the effect single parenthood can have on mental health.

Most single parents are mothers, and with the social constructs and constraints regarding motherhood, there is an automatic assumption that mothers are superheroes and can cope with just about anything, and the further assumption that they don’t need any help - but this is a fallacy of course. With single fathers it’s the opposite. Everyone assumes he can’t cook, will struggle with braiding or brushing a daughter’s hair, will certainly be unable to cope with the school run and do housework all at the same time; I mean we all know that men cannot multitask, don’t we? So, as you can see, the stereotypes play out into how we view the capabilities of mothers and fathers, and this unfortunately determines who is offered adequate support and who isn’t – so much for equality!

Being a single parent can absolutely make you feel very isolated and stressed, and stress can lead to mental health issues, especially if there is no end in sight of how you can overcome the vicious cycle one finds themselves in. The opportunities to drink excessively or use drugs can become a reality for some by using these as coping mechanisms. Throw in lack of sleep which affects many lone parents, it really does become a recipe for disaster, and makes the parenting experience all the more difficult.  

Inadequate self-care is another one top of the list. It has only in recent times that we have become aware of how important self-care is. Taking time out to re-centre, gather your thoughts, rest, pamper yourself, exercise and eat well are all pipe dreams for a lot a of lone parents. ‘Where’s the time or money for all of that?’, I hear you say. What should be seen as a necessity is seen as a luxury, with the result being the parent’s emotional, physical and mental health suffering. The fact is we cannot be at our best as parents if we are not taking care of ourselves to be at our best.

It is a greater challenge if the person with whom you have had your child or children with is contentious, manipulative or controlling as this adds to the stress. Many mothers especially, suffer from PTSD where they have fled an abusive relationship and are reliant upon financial assistance from a former partner, or have to come into contact with an abusive partner due to visitation demands and obligations. Such parents are put in a continual cycle of fear of abuse and control, the impact of these dynamics affecting how present one can be for their child.

So far, the assumption is that the child or children are in good health, thriving and growing as they should be with no real needs, but the truth is there are many lone parents who are taking care of children with special needs. From mental and behavioural disabilities, to real challenging physical needs that require round the clock care; it shouldn’t be difficult to see how parenting alone with no real support network in such circumstances would feel.

In all this there are children who are also getting used to being in a one-parent family. They undoubtedly will usually miss the absent parent and this can impact the relationship with the remaining parent, if the new status is due to separation or divorce. A child’s logic and their thought process are very different to how adults process blame and responsibility. Depending on how they view the absent parent will determine how their behaviour manifests at home. Children internalise a lot and they reason things out as you would expect, as a child, so facts are missed and blame is apportioned to themselves.

To the child, that absent parent is either the hero or the villain and whoever they choose that parent to be will impact behaviour at home both positively and negatively. We should always understand that a child’s love is pretty much unconditional, and even in cases of abuse, children still feel a tangible love towards a parent who has hurt them, their siblings or the parent they have remained with.

The effects are not always obvious to spot as children can quite often behave impeccably at home but really act out in school, so you have a Dr Jekyll and
Mr Hyde child of sorts. Usually this is because they don’t want to upset the parent at home but have to find some kind of outlet to show they are unhappy. Children do not often have the capacity to articulate what is going on with them internally, so they ‘speak’ through acting up or in dropping grades in school; it is up to us as the parents and caregivers to notice what may be wrong and offer support and help to children who are hurting.

The isolation is not just felt by the parent but very much by the child too. Feelings of abandonment or self-blame as has been mentioned are very common, especially when single parenthood can mean estrangement from extended family for both parent and child. All of a sudden, relationships are ripped apart and there is a little or young person trying to make sense of it all.

Dialogue is the key in making it all better. Age appropriate open, honest, transparent dialogue in the absence of mixing negativity in conversations that are best kept to one’s self or to the adults will go far.

Children take on board things that are not said or intended for them, so to speak directly to a child by being disrespectful or disparaging about the absent parent, no matter how justified or how true, only makes the child feel more alone and that it must be their fault that their parents are not together. It is amazing how little self-constraint is practiced when couples split up, and how quickly children become pawns and property instead of the precious gifts they are to both parents.

Patience is the order of the day as is an overload of reassurance for a child. It is not all doom and gloom though. If you can get it right and it is possible, you can raise a very well balanced, kind and compassionate individual who will look at the cost of raising them alone, [’m not talking money] and will really admire and appreciate you for it.

I mentioned cultural judgments of single parents and children from single parent families earlier because of the assumption that both parties have low morals, lack discipline and respect. There are children from all walks of life, experiencing different things for different reasons so nobody has to play into the stereotype or give air to the so-called stigma. Life happens to everybody and everybody’s journey is unique to them. If yours is ending up as a single parent, the main thing is to be aware of the challenges you may or may not face, because to be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Knowledge and information really is power, and as you become more and more aware of the pitfalls, one can immediately start to put safeguards in place. It is never too late to change the narrative on a situation.

Start speaking to your children more to find out how they are feeling, get in contact with the school and let them know your change in circumstances and how the school can keep an eye out and offer support. Family or individual counselling is always a good way for the family to reconnect with one another, or to give that child a non-bias, safe and non-judgemental space to say how they feel. Children can thrive if the atmosphere is loving and calm and hopefully by seeing where the setbacks may be, because they can be avoided and will enable a parent to be proactive.

There are many success stories of people who came from single parent families, such as the former President of the United States – Barak Obama, singer Adele, actress Julia Roberts, media mogul Opera Winfrey, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps – the list is endless.

It is a fact that any form of parenting with the intention of doing it well is challenging, but not impossible just because you are on your own. If you are reading this and you are a single parent – well done to you and keep going.

Death, divorce, separation or abandonment can happen to anyone at any given time, so let’s extend that hand of grace and support as we would hope it would be extended to us if we were in those shoes.

If you know of a single parent, please offer a word of encouragement and help if you can; I’m sure it will be greatly appreciated and as the saying goes. ‘It takes a village to raise a child’.